Aggressive Fruit
by NerdGirl394
Summary: A unknowing Remus Lupin walks into his dormitory one day -big mistake. Doesn't really take place in a specific time period, feel free to use your imagination on that one. Written for my friend who goes by the nickname FantabulousMasterofAwesomenessSupreme.


Disclaimer: Don't own, blah, blah, blah… I made a fanfic about it (called Disclaimer) if you want a humorous disclaimer.

A/N: This is dedicated to my friend who goes by the nickname of _FantabulousMasterofAwesomenessSupreme_ , because she likes papayas. She's got a rather unhealthy obsession with them, actually. I don't feel that this is my best work, but I think some parts might make you smile.

~0~o~0~o~0~

Remus Lupin's life was never normal, even for a wizard at Hogwarts. Remus had a hectic life, mostly because of his best friends and roommates; James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew. They were probably the most random, mischievous, and crazy people Remus had ever met. Together, he and his friends had played many pranks on the population of Hogwarts and surprised many people. But no matter how many surprises he had made, not much could've prepared him for this. He was just getting back to the dormitory from the library! He hadn't done anything wrong, had he?

Remus opened the door.

"He-"

 _WHAM!_

Remus fell back into the doorway from the impact, books flying everywhere. He rubbed his forehead, looking up.

It was a blur, but Remus saw a green, eggplant-shaped… _thing_ flying around the dorm.

"What in the name of Merlin is that?!" He exclaimed.

"G'afternoon, Moony." James replied. The thing flew around the room at a speed so high Remus could've sworn it had broken the sound barrier. Peter jogged over to him and picked up some of his books.

"Thanks, Wormtail. I can always count on you to be kind, unlike _someone_!" Remus said, glancing at Sirius and James, who were sitting on their four-posters. "What're you even doing?" He asked them, standing up and closing the door behind them.

"We're practicing nonverbal spells, Moony. I thought you wanted us to practice." Sirius told him.

"Or would you rather we sat around all day eating Chocolate Frogs and fail our exams?" James asked. Remus sighed.

"What _is_ that thing any-" The thing flew towards him and he ducked. It hit the door with a _thud_. Remus hurried away from it, using a thick book for head-protection. The thing followed, bouncing off the book in a manner similar to a bludger. "Help! Help me you useless twats!" He shouted as it continued to attack him.

James, Sirius, and Peter burst out laughing.

"It likes you, Moony! Can we keep it? Please?" Sirius asked over Remus' cries for help.

"NO! It's not a puppy! It's a… what is it?" Remus asked when it flew backwards. Then it hit the book with enough force to nearly sweep Remus off of his feet. "HELP ME! HELP ME! I'M BEING ATTACKED!" He yelled as the thing continued to make its assault. His friends just laughed. _Gits_. Remus ran around the room, attempting to protect himself.

"Should we remind him he's a wizard?" James asked.

"No, I'm having way too much fun." Peter replied.

"IT'S GOING TO KILL ME! HELP! IT HAS NO MERCY! HEEEELP!" Remus shouted.

"Moony, you _do_ realize you're losing a fight against a fruit, right?" Sirius asked him.

"IT'S A BLOODY MURDEROUS FRUIT! HELP ME, YOU WORTHLESS EXCUSE FOR A FRIEND!"

"No, I think I'll just watch." Sirius responded.

"I'LL TELL MCGONAGALL THAT IT AMBUSHED ME!"

"Oh, I'm terrified! What would McGonagall do to me if she heard Moony was ambushed by a fruit?" Sirius asked sarcastically.

"HEEEEELP! IT'S OUT FOR BLOOD! IT'S GOING TO MURDER ME!"

"Moony?" James said.

"WHAT?!" Remus yelled.

"You're smart, but I'm still going to explain this in a simple way. When a wizard turns eleven, he receives something called a _wand_. These wands can do something called _magic_ -"

"ALRIGHT, I GOT IT, I GOT IT, YOU GIT!" Remus shouted. He pulled out his wand. "FINITE!" He yelled. The thing stopped in midair and fell onto the ground with a _thump_. Remus took a moment to get his breathing back to normal. Then he squatted and picked it up. "What _is_ this thing?" He asked, glaring at it.

"A papaya." Peter answered.

"A _papaya_?"

"Yes." Sirius told him. Remus gave the papaya a death glare.

"It's the most hostile papaya I've ever seen." He concluded. He pointed his wand at the papaya. "Bombarda." He said.

 _BANG!_

The papaya exploded into orange chunks; large, black seeds flying everywhere. Remus scowled at the orange and black mess that was strewn across the dormitory.

"I'm never touching a papaya again."

~0~o~0~o~0~

A/N: Now that I think about it, I think we should just pretend this one never happened, okay?


End file.
